Although I have to admit during the course of the wedding:

1. I felt that someone else was living through my dreams.

2. I felt disowned as a friend to both parties as I was totally kicked out from the wedding preparations. I think that hurt the most as compared to the fact that my best friend got married to my ex. I was reflecting on this as everyone kept on saying my friend was a jerk but ultimately I treasure the friendship and relationship more than being angry and spiteful about the whole situation.

3. I nearly cried when the vows were read – as it finally hit me that, they are really getting married. Don’t get me wrong, I do not have any feelings for her but…it’s hard to explain.

4. I felt a stab when my best friend’s mom comes up to me and says, “What kind of son are you, when you never once called to talk to me!”

5. I felt panic when I had to face them at the end of the event.

But essentially, I would be lying if I said I did not wish them happiness. I want them to be happy and I know they are happy and I pray that their marriage is blessed.

Anyways, I was just surfing the web when I decided to read my junior’s blog. And her most recent post was about our boss. That post definitely hit me hard.

“the first time when i think he really cool, n definitely capable to be the team leader was after i read his press release… i was like, WOW he can really write lo… when u think he’s slacking, he’s actually working on something brilliant… i nearly kill myself while i was studying about eCop, but he can relate such a boring subject with a story to help me understand the entire industry…

cant imagine he skates… he dives… he plays golf…

anyway, now i know why he’s the boss… thanks, alex…

i shall work harder… i shall stop day dreaming… i shall try not to piss him off again… i shall help him quit smoking… hahahahaha… “

Will I ever get such a post? My boss has definitely left a huge impression on me as a manager, as an individual and as a friend. And I am not sure I can do the same thing with my colleagues.

So now – I have begun questioning my capabilities. My boss was reluctant to promote me but the MD vetoed and the promotion was given to me. Now, I wonder and query – am I really ready for this role as a supervisor?

What a lame ass!

I am no saint, I do get mad and at times device these horrific revenge scenes in my head. But that’s as far as it gets – my head. I don’t see the point in actually executing it. Why would I want to come down so low? I don’t think it’s that necessary.

Last week, during my depressed moments a lot of angry thoughts flashed through my mind and I realized I had so much of anger towards people around me. I began to think of my devilish scheme as to how to make their lives miserable. Just as I was thinking about how I am going to use facebook as the platform of embarrassment, I actually recoiled in disgust with my own self – how can I bring someone down just like that?!

I don’t get it; there was no sense of satisfaction at the end of it all. Why do we find pleasure in bringing someone down?

I don’t care if Michael Phelps was smoking pot, having sex with a guy or whatever else. That’s his life. I mean why do we bother what he does? All he needs to do is continue winning and making people proud.

The media especially seems to enjoy sensationalizing these matters. I may have a kink of being snapped in the nude but that is yet to happen. But when it does I will be keeping those pictures.

Currently it seems that the politicians seem to be having their dirty laundry being thrown around in public. From a sex DVD to someone sleeping in the nude, for goodness sake if that old man likes to fuck, let him be. Why make a big deal about it?
Or if Elizabeth slept in the nude or whatever – let her be.

Wassup with us, humans, that we seem to so keen to know what mistakes other people are doing but ignoring our mistakes?

Call if foolishness on my part but I just can’t help being me. And that means I am just plain nice.

I am nice to random people down the street, I am nice to my colleagues and I am “supposedly” nice to my diva sister. But what I detest is when that niceness is taken advantage of.

Actually if you wanna take advantage of that kindness or niceness, by all means do so but you just have to remember there is a limit to everything. I will bear with your stupidity and ignorance but there will come a point when I may turn around – walk away, yell or just ignore you – then you have to be prepared.

At the moment work is a torture.

I am not sure if it’s because of me being nice or I am just easy to work with. My boss lately has been dumping everything on me from general account handling to management matters. There are times when it does not matter as I feel it as a test for me to handle both operations and my own work but it comes to a point when everything falls apart when you hear comments such as:

“Well you’re only handling one account… so how are you keeping up to your KPIs?”

“So do you want me to do it for you? Like always, I am always covering up for you”

“Your review is coming. You really think you’re doing a good job?”

WTF?! I don’t only handle one account, I don’t cause so much trouble that you have to continuously look out for me. My principle at work is simple, you look out for each other within the team and I believe I have covered up for you but not once making a fuss about things.

I was told that I should never take things personally at work cause its only business. But if your own boss makes it personal then how are you suppose to react. I realize that this boss and my ex boss have somewhat similar personalities – they love to play the mind game. And when they’re caught in the middle of the act, the problem is suddenly started by me and it becomes my word against theirs. What frustrates more is when its my fault and I acting all sensitive about such petty matters.

My patience and niceness has a limit, it is coming to an end. You adding more to my plate will only cause me to burst and it may not be a pleasant sight.

I should apologize for my absence. There has been a lot that has been going in my life over the past week or so.

I have to confess that I went into a mini depression. For one whole week I didn’t have the appetite to eat. I would snuggle into bed at around 8pm – just to avoid any conversations with anyone. If the phone rang, I would just stare at it and stuff it under the pillow. Even in office, everyone noticed the difference. Each passing day I became quieter and more subdue.

There are many factors that actually played a part to this mini depression. I am going through this massive skin problem that made me sink into a shell. It just appeared one day (Tuesday morning to be exact). It was disgustingly painful. Each time some one touched me on the back, I would be in so much pain. It was horrible. It was a chore just to put a shirt on. I could not sleep at all –the pain was just unbearable. Each night as I lay on the bed, it was my tears that were a friend.

I didn’t know who to turn to. I didn’t want to tell anyone as I felt it was my own failure.  Plus, the depression kinda sunk in more when I cut majority of my communication, just keeping it to two phone calls and then trying real hard to sleep. Last week would have been the first week in my life where I never stepped out from my house at night.

This led me to falling ill (getting high fever and gastric issues). Of course it did not help that work was just bad. I felt as though a whole mountain was falling on me. There was so much to do but only one me. My junior commented, “I think he wants all the accounts to himself so that he can be a star!” Damn, the only reason why I have so many accounts is because there is no one else to be able to handle it. But at that time that was a punch in my stomach, although I just smiled at her.

Technically this forced me to become more pious! Thank God when the weekend came, I was forced to go for a wedding. This definitely made a huge difference, cause the smiles, the love and the hugs I got just made me feel good about myself.

I realized that if I had continued into the depression or if continued to cut all communications, I would have literally gone mentally mad (because it was a frustrating time) or I would have just killed myself. Yup, even as how much I would have thought about how dumb that would be; at that moment that was the best option.

This whole week has been a roller coaster ride for me both emotionally and mentally.

This whole week I was leaving the office after 9pm everyday. When Friday came to an end, I thought I was going to crash. I thought maybe I would just snuggle into my bed, under the covers with a really good book – something I have not done in a very long time. Or maybe hang out at Starbucks with the book.

Instead my colleagues planned to go out clubbing and drinking. So I thought to myself, why disappoint them, I should just go chill out for an hour or two. That was truly a joke.

As soon as I got there, the music just took over my feet and body. I was dancing the whole night. I didn’t even need the alcohol to get into the mood or to even get my feet moving in rhythm. I was so in the flow.

After such a week, it was really good to just dance like no one was watching. It was just so much fun and therapeutic. I moved and grooved and my juniors were taken aback, “OMG, the energy. This is whole different energy I am seeing here!”

Heheh…well they sure have not seen anything. I thought yesterday was still mild compared to those days when I was stripped in the club or when I was making out with a friend under the influence of alcohol or when I had people come up to compliment on my dancing.  There was one point in my life where I used to frequent clubs at least once a week. Sneak back into the house at 4am and wake up at 12pm.

Those were the days. Things are slowing down. Nowadays, I rather chill out with a group of friends; have a beer and just chat.

Age is definitely catching up – damn!

Everyone has the aim of climbing the corporate ladder – of being someone. But do people actually think about how life would be when they actually get up there?

I mean have you really thought about if you would have a life? Or have you ignored the fact that work may become your life? Or if you are actually really capable of making managerial decisions?

I wonder. I for one, never really thought about it, especially when it comes to dealing and leading people. Or worse still having the task of preparing a warning letter or termination letter.

I may say its only business, nothing personal – but do I really mean it?

Am I ready for all this? I don’t think I ever will but at this precise moment, I am in that situation torn between being professional and allowing my emotions take control. I pray I make the right decision especially when it involves someone else’s future.